Tonight at library I had to work by myself because my coworker didn't come and I had to hold the fort alone and work by myself. So I spent a few hours working without really talking with anyone to pass the time. Well that is boring but this isn't. A guy hit on me. Which hasn't happened to me before, well not that I know of. This guy was funny because he kept finding reasons to come to the counter to talk to me or ask me to help him. You can tell when someone is just making up reasons to talk to you.
Personally I get a real ego boost whenever anyone shows any interest in me. I think the good part of being open minded and secure with my sexuality, it is that I don't get offended when a guy shows interest in me. I take it as a compliment. It feels good to know that you can illicit some interest in someone. The guy was good looking by guy standards I guess, but I'm not a great judge in that department.
It was just nice even if this wasn't my ideal life changing event I have wished for.
THe other thing that came at me out of left field tonight was the fact that Viva, the girl that i had mentioned I was smitten with, but would never be able to be with because she has a boyfriend called our workplace to get my number, but they wouldn't give her my number but they did call me and tell me to call her with her number. So I called her and we talked for 3 hours. I missed having long conversations with someone.
Her and her boyfriend have recently embarked on the " taking a break" course of their relationships. I won't go in detail about all the problems they are having. Suffice it to say that he has a lot of problems and he has a lot of insecurities but has met a girl he thinks he might want but still wants to be in their relationship. Yeah it sounds really complicaated. She is torn up because she doesn't want to throw it all away and because she still loves him. She said she wanted to wait to see what he is going to do.
I told her basically that she should be proactive. I told her not to wait around to see what he does and react to it, I told her she should set out whatever action is best for her. I told her it sounded like this guy would take her down a rocky road that sounded like it would leave her more hurt while also preventing her from healing. This guy has relationship issues, he sounds like he is having drug related issues, and he also sounds like he is having the "My life is amounting to nothing Blues" I told her that she needs to break it off and let him sort his life out. I told her that she can't be responsible for fixing his life, she can only be a friend and support him. I really want her to do what she needs to protect herself. I hope she took in what I was saying and I hope it helped.
It felt disturbingly good to be able to befriend someone and listen to them and console them. I don't want to be getting into more one sided relationships where my primary place is to console and comfort. I think this time if I go this route of being her friend and helping her, I have to be adamant about not wanting to get more personal with this person. If I choose to be her friend and that alone, I have to decide not to harbor feelings for her.
It's been a dangerous pattern I get into. I fall in love with girls I help, girls I befriend. I think any further relationship I get into, I need to have a different role. I really find fullfillment I think in watching over and taking care of people I love. It's not good because there is no balance in that. I think there is a great deal of control that comes from advising and befriending.
I don't know what to make of the fact that she went out of her way to get ahold of me. I used to consider going into Psychology and Sociology because i wanted to listen to people. I think I wanted to create a reality for myself in which we all could see that we share the same fears and pains and form a bond. I have almost this addiction to wanting to help people which isn't a bad thing, but I have always felt it was less about helping them and more about getting that something from helping.
I don't like that in myself and I despise that perhaps my ability and intentions isn't for the betterment of the people I love but is in some way some way for me to feel better.
I don't know if it could be some form of penance. I often wonder perhaps I don't think I am worthy of people's love so I go through great lengths to prove that there is something worth loving.
I can go on and on and overanalyze this. I am interested in Viva. I however hate going after girls on the rebound especially if I'm giving them advice. I think I will have to be selfless with better intentions though and try best to be her friend and not let any of this ego thing get in the way. Sometimes I wish I could be gay, it'd be a lot easier. I could just pick up that guy tonight and be done with it and happy. But that isn't me and I don't seem to like life to be to easy for me.