I came down from my emotional high tonight. I was feeling good last night. I guess I still do feel alright. I don't know if I am beating a dead horse but in such a short time, all my past friendships seem deader than that dead easter bunny in the pic above.

I am a happy person and it comes off to people. I make people laugh, people.... and not friends. Cause I have no friends. I have no real friends and it is bothering the hell out of me. I haven't seen my family in 2 weeks and that one short encounter was only for help with my car.

I went to having so many friends to no friends. Was it by choice? I used to be one of those guys that always entertained everyone. I cooked for people and drove all my friends all over the place. Now I stay at home alone and read comics and watch sappy

TV shows and movies and write here in my diaryland diary.

I am too old to be in college, and I am just so tired of school. I feel so old, and I don't really relate to well to "the kids" nowadays, because I see their lives as so 3 or 4 years ago. My life has progressed from life of the party to hermit munk.

People think they are my friend but they never called when I stopped calling or writing. I realized that it was because I stopped writing them. I am hyper sensitive, I know this. I notice all these little things. I made a good friend for them because I remembered all the little details going on in their lives. I guess deep down I wanted some of the same. Someone to notice I dissappeared, that my soul was sinking.

I say this only as a fact that depresses me... if I ever killed myself, people who think they are my friends would be floored and not even see it coming. Past old friends would be completely shocked. It's not because I never tried to share my feelings, it's because while I listened to their problems, they never heard mine. In my view, people are the most important aspects of life. Mot people don't live that way, so it's hard. I want more from life, from my friends, just more in general.

I feel now, my goal in life has to be... to find one, just one great friend in my life. If I find more, than I will considered myself blessed. I am going to toss aside my past, the ghost idea of my friends. I am not going to count on anyone until I can really trust them.

I am not having a happy easter now, but I hope to have one some day.

I realize something just now... I am to blame. I feel love for people who seem hurt, people who need love, but they are never in the shape to give love in return. The relationships are never setup that things are equal, where love is given and returned. Stacy is the perfect example. I know my influenced helped her and made her strong, so strong... she didn't need me and thus ended our bond.

God, ahh... this notion of biopolarism definetly has it's possibility. How can I go from pumped to dumped in a manner of s day. How can I love a night alone at home to simply feeling empty.

Duality surrounds my existance. I am happy, I am sad. I am silly I am brooding. I like Indie Fair movies, I want to see some mainstream sappy romantic comedy. I love my rock, I am in a mood for some hiphop or even something in bad taste. I want to destroy the world, I want to change the world and make it better. I'm creative, I'm not. I see the pros, I see the cons. I want to make hot sweaty love, I just want a hug. I do some things with my left hand, I do others with my right hand.

I sometimes just want this constant tug of war to end with me. I wish I was more boxed in sometimes. I wish I leaned one way more than the other.

This isn't a very uplifting entry and so I will no longer bitch from this point.

I do hope everyone has a good easter. I hope everyone appreciates the friends in their lives. Seriously, you don't know when things could change for you or them. I have to work 8-5 tomorrow. Yeah I have to work on Easter. I am the only part timer working and I have to be there earlier than all the other clerks. So yeah for me.

Nah, take care everyone. Try not to nail any bunnies to the cross.