I haven't really laughed, and been overly happy in so long. I really have lost something. I don't feel funny and I felt so funny a while ago. My writings feel so hollow lately. My ideas seem vacant.

Thoughts of the end seem more prevalent. Passion seems gone.

My self impossed exile was only a strengthening of the loneliness I was feeling. I easily cut away from everyone, without being caught. I guess knowing you really can fall with no one to catch me, has really caught up.

Life has been too similar for too long. I hate to say it, but there is this part of me that really wants to disappear permanently. I no longer wish to help people, for I know it is only a way to ignore my own pain. I've spent a lifetime focusing on others. I've spent a lifetime being an adult.

I don't love anyone. I know Viva only sees me as a friend and I sort of have accepted that in my mind. She is a great person that people are just drawn to.

I feel weary of my father/son struggle. I am tired of being the adult. I am tired of tempering his tantrums and trying to be the reasonable person. I am tired of not having friends who'd try a little. I'm tired of living in a world that is flawed. I really have lost faith that people can change. I know people can do good but there is so much evil to match that good.

I personally want to call God out and have him destroy me. Call me Job, call me whatever. I am tired of my mind always being reasonable . I'm tired of all the reasoning in my mind. What's the use of thinking and trying to share and have that spread if nothing ever changes.

I'm tired of people telling me I've gained weight when one I haven't really. I'm tired of people hinting I am not skinny when I really am not fat, I am such an average weight. What do these people want, me to be emaciated. It's not enough every girl feels insecure about their weight. Now I have to made to feel fat when I am fine!!! How do people feel that is a good conversation starter. This one person couldn't shut up about how much weight I have gained in their fucking eyes. Ever heard if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say it.

I'm tired of hearing girls not loving themselves when they're terrific.

I'm tired of cultures and people not being able to understand each other. War is a result of our inability to see past our own interests. It's our lack of sacrifice. War is a result of ego and personal agenda. Call me antipatriotic, but apart of me wants the people to rise up against the government. Patriotism in my eyes is a flaw. If one can't see past one's own country to see people than perhaps we all deserve to loose. It's only fair. Since this is still a free country that is what I feel. I don't know why, but I really am starting to hate George Bush. A part of me sees the government as a contribution of the problem.

I regret... not voting. I regret not voting for Al Gore, the lesser of 2 evils. I've learned my lesson. Human beings and their silly societal structure. Perhaps it good I never had super human powers. I honestly think if I had the power to, I'd destroy this world as my intent. I realize I am an insignificant ant. I don't plan to destroy the world because I am not vain enough to think I could destroy the world, little old me. I'd destroy the whole world in a blink of an eye. I wouldn't hesitate to destroy everyone reading this.

Perhaps I have grown mad. All I know is that I'm disgusted and I am tired. I want to strike me down, right now. I lack the vision to see his master plan. I don't want to live life in this manner. I feel tortured because apart of me wants to live while the other part can't bear it. I feel angered because a part of me is pasionate while the other has truly lost the faith that my passions can change things.

The thing with influencing people, no matter how many people you get through, there is always the next generation to loose that information. Human existance is so stagnant. Things change, people change. But the big things never change. They Never Change. What I am saying is, no one has the power to affect change. Big and permanent change. THat is completly maddening to me.

It's sad to say, I never understood why lucifer defied God. I never thought I'd be one to support it. I acknowledge I have real power to stand against a God but I start to feel that I would willingly do it. I think God is wrong. Why would anyone defy a just God. Lucifer was an angel for crying out loud. He had a greater grasp than God. Hell, at least he knew for a fact that God existed. God may not be evil but I believe he failed when he created us. Why create beings that would oppose you? Why create a being that given a choice would fail and fall into darkness in some instance? Why create anything when you know the outcome of it all? What if we are simply existant as God's entertainment? Why don't more people question God? Why do people accept everything they have?

Why can't I have love for a species for which I am apart and feel that we can really change, for the better.

I want a better world. Sure anyone can complain only few can change things. Perhaps you can go through life making a small change and be content with your ripple. I guess in the end, I am not content with the Ripple.