My recent internet fast has sort of shown me my life 10 years ago, without computers. My father spoiled me in one sense by providing me with early access to computers. In Ninth grade around 1994, I believe, I remember going on Prodigy which was a big ISP and using Netscape. Now that was old school. I remember I was on Prodigy exploring what most adolecent boys use the internet for. Connections silly... I know what you are all thinking, and those who read me know what I might be thinking. What I remember most is this thrill. I can also remember the thrill of finding a picture or two of a Naked Girl!!! It was like Oh, MY GOD! I wasn't the type of kid to have any of that in my life. It truly was the forbidden fruit for me. But what I found I truly enjoyed is Chatting. I used to be a real chatter box. It started really inocently as a search for friends and it eventually led to my sexual exploration. It was also when I started looking into my other sexual orientation after my traumatic previous experience with my friends bro. touching me ,which had me questioning and curious. It is amazing looking at the net now. A movie like Sandra Bullock's, "The Net" would be scoffed at now. Kids now have more access to everything and it is apart of their lives. It was a transition though into my life. I sort of have seen that with some time away from the net.
I really have missed writing in my diary and reading my friends. I actually am at my parents. I am house sitting and dog sitting. Harriet, a Chiwawa sp?/ Terrier Mix is so cute. My Dad, Stepmom, and Stepsister are on a trip to visit my grandparents. My dad has a Koi "Swimming pool/pond and they have to be fed in the mornings and my dad has so many plants along with Harriet, so I am staying here all by myself in their home. I never grew up in this house. They moved here after I moved out. Harriet is sleeping. I have been thinking lately I would love a dog. My dad won't allow it though. I have lost faith in him. But more on that later. I am here for a week. It's hard cause I am living out of 2 places now. I have all the comforts of home that I have been without for so long. Things you take for granted, like Space. This place is huge. Also things like comfortable furniture and digital cable TV, 34 in TV and Klipsch home theatre systems. Things you take for Granted till you are on your own and don't have access to that same lifestyle. I have done really good for myself, providing everything I really need or want by spending little or no money.
Oh this is a recent development. This is why I have no faith in family. My family currently is in the upper middle class. We aren't over the top well off, but my father and stepmoether have a real nice house and things in it. With my father, I was raised as an only child. I wasn't spoiled. Anything given to me was always given with terms and conditions. Thus in my life I don't think there is anyone I trust that I can lean on. My stepmothers persistence is what got me to move originally. I am finding that my fears are coming true. Deep down I didn't want to rent from my father. Why? Because he is my father. He told me when I asked about the Deposit that I didn't have to make one. Then I tell my father I have $1800.00 in my bank account because he didn't cash the check I wrote him, paying him back the money I owed him. I only told him that because he thought if he cashed it, it'd bounce. So he cashed it and now I have 900.00 in my account. 500.00 is for rent in a couple of days so really it is only 400.00 and that is not counting my monthly expenses and bills so really it isn't that much. But I just know that my dad thinks I have money and now it's ok to have a deposit for my place. I don't have the money. I was told that I'd be helped out because they insisted I move. So far I haven't been helped because I was doing ok. They told me that the help would be without ties just so I move. Now I am moved and I feel like SHIT, you guys are fucking me. I have been thinking maybe I should just move. But I just moved and just recently have I finished unpacking. My grades haven't been the same since the move. I know I wouldn't make it if I moved again.
This is what I realized. I am better alone. In all my relationships with friends and family, I am always getting hurt. I always glossed over the things that happened to me and told myself I was better for it. I forgave not only my mother for the things that happened but also my father. I will always remember two instances where he told me he was going to leave me. The first time was when my father and I had no home since he had just divorced from my stepmom at the time and just a year before that my mom passed away. I remember my dad getting mad and telling me he was going and never coming back. All I could think about at age 7 was, I am all alone. My stepmom says I don't act as if I am apart of the family. My question is why should I? I don't ever feel just loved unconditionally. I never have. My whole life is about loss and accepting it. I let it go but something clicked this week when I heard this. For the first time I decided I have really been hurt more times than I can count, and you know what, Fuck them all!!! My friends, ha!!!! I am not calling any of them. I am not going to try to keep it all together and wonder why people don't show any signs that I'm also their friends.
So I started by just doing stuff by myself and just be happy about it. I have been going out to eat alone and saw DAre Devil. I am going to stop thinking about "Sharing The Experience" If it happens then it happens, but my situation is just dragging me down for too long. I just have to figure what I am going to do in my living situations. I am going to have a talk with my family when they get back. Maybe I will move again. My dad wants me to sign a lease. God I don't want to!!! I should have never let them talk me into moving. I was just getting comfortable.
OK this is long but I had the access. I hope this is the first of more frequent entries again.