Well after the emotional rollercoaster that was yesterday, today was relitively uneventful. Other than the news that I will be moving once again, after only 6 months here. I will miss the place I call home. I am still not certain this is what I want but only time will tell. I am sort of moving back into my old neighborhood. Actually something that bothered me about moving to the apartment I am going to be in is, that one it is 2 buildings away from a building I lived in when I was living with my mother. And it is across the street and 5 buildings down from the apartment I lived in with my mother, when she died. I really know that area well cause, I used to wander around alone at age 4 and 5 on the street. That street was literally apart of my childhood and everytime I have passed that building on Kinau Street I think of her. It might be somewhat obsessive but I wonder, being so close to a building that houses one of my biggest ghosts, I wonder if that is healthy. Actually what is funny is it didn't bother me when I was across the freeway and a couple of houses away but now I am on that street, sort of inbetween my two homes I had as a child and at the top of the triangle is Stacy in our old house, where there are those ghosts. During my life with my mother which ended at age, I remember the fact that we moved 5 or 6 times. Mostly cause my mom had drug problems and had problems paying the rent or else just getting us kicked out. I guess I was glad to be in Manoa cause it is still relatively close but it was completely away from all my previous homes, it was out of the triangle. It was ghost free. I am not talking about real ghosts, just my memories that linger. My stepmother once asked me why I never ask for help, the answer is because of two things. My mother left me to my own devices so I pretty much took care of myself. Second cause my dad made things seem so bad and made any thing I asked of him like I was asking something great of him. Sort of like that tire incident, things are always a lesson or a point with him. Me, I react and try to help those I care about. I don't test them or put them through hoops. I love my father but he can be a real ass. I am old enough to not need testing. I want support and love. I want to be able to be honest and not worry that the truth will seperate us. I want a lot of things and perhaps I am becoming selfish. I wonder how I will be, when a true relationship comes to me. I admit I found surprising difficulties when I actually had a girlfriend. I had found I had grown so accustomed to being alone, that I found it difficult. And that was when I was still living at home. Now I have had 4 years away from home and 6 months completely alone. How will life be now, when or if, I find love. I'd hope I would have learned to deal with it by then. I guess I won't know till the time comes.

Work was bit of a drag. It was kind of slow and at the end of the night we had to clean up cause the 24 hour store had to close so they could do some repairs and so they could do their once a year waxing. It was slow till the end. Everyone always come when you're closing. I tried to have fun tonight cause I was feeling awful. It would come and go. The worst part is I got dizzy a few times. I have been really busting ass but tonight I didn't have the energy so I kind of was coasting. I saw this guy who was in line with a girl who I assume was his girlfriend. He was trying to kiss her constantly but she really seemed uncomfortable and would pull away with a grimace. The girl was very not into and kept pushing him away. I thought what a jerk, doesn't he see that she doesn't want any of that. I have come across some really shallow guys lately and it is no wonder girls can't trust guys. They disgust me, and I wish a strong enough girl would stomp on their overinflated ego's by standing up to these guys and telling it how it is. There is this girl Viva who I work with. I had and perhaps still have a thing for her. The problem is she has a boyfriend. I love being around her. It really has nothing to do with her looks. It might be pheremones but we are always playing around and she is always pushing me around in a playful way or messing up my hair. This is not Cheryl who I sort of just wrote off already. Viva was gone for quite a while cause she has Lupus {sp?), and it got so bad she couldn't bear to stand up. She showed me her ankles and they have so much water retension that there is literally a round bulge around her ankle. And that was tonight. She told me it was worse when she was out, she couldn't even stand up. I don't know what it is but I am always happy when I am around her and I love just being playful around her. It feels so good. I feel so good about someone when I know it isn't my eye that is in love but my heart. I don't know how she might feel about me. I know she says she loves her boyfriend. I wouldn't want to mess that up with my feelings. Let's just say she brings out the 5 year old in me, the kind that will stick something on your back and get the biggest kick out of it and the kind that will tickle you and tease you cause deep down they really like you. It's weird cause sometimes certain things about looks might actually bother me a little but I honestly feel that none of the things that has happened to her due to her illness really affects how I feel about her. Why does it always have to be a boyfriend or just non interest that always stand in my way. People say we act like brother and sister. Well if that's the case, I say bring the incest on!!!