yup, I am moving. It really isn't my choice but I talked to my stepmother. I really realize what I was missing when I grew up without a mother. She is everything my mother wasn't Yet at the same time she doesn't quite get me cause I am in some ways like my mother. She figured I was upset at my father but she told me if I had talked to her she would have helped me. She told me to call her cell next time instead of being stubborn. I realize I should have done it but it was hard to be just mad at my dad. My dad lacks any gentleness or tact which makes him so hard to take sometimes. But after seeing my place and as she said the conditions I was living in, she really wanted me to move into my father's rental unit. She asked me to humor her. So now, it looks like I am moving this month or rather next month. I think about if I want to move and the truth is I have really gotten comfortable, but my stepmother told me she has a really bad feeling about me being here. So now I have to start packing up my shit again!!! That is what I hate, all the moving again. I have to pack up my whole life and move elsewhere. Well I just came home to change and to get a quick bite before I got to work. I haven't shaken my cold yet. It is so bad cause I am feeling sick and should stay home but I made a promise to myself that I wouldn't miss work or school this week. I call sick too often, even though I am but it looks bad and so I am going to have to bite the bullet this week. I hope I get better. I have a lot of emotional matters hanging on myself as well as spiritual. It seems that everyone I have a deep conversation tells me they were so depressed they wanted or were thinking about killing themselves. It is ridiculous how many of us are plagued by depression or think of killing themselves. I am not judging anyone cause everyone has there reasons. I decided I wouldn't and I am keeping to it. Though last night I was wishing one of those cars would hit me. That isn't any better I guess. I get upset at myself for feeling that way but my feeling does hold true. Wait till the next day cause you see more clearly. I know death isn't the answer. It's the easy way out but it is a final one. One has to be completely certain but I am never going to be completely certain of that. So I know I won't do such a rash act. I talk to my friends and when they tell me this, I think what I want and truth as I always say, just a friend to give me a hug would really make me feel better. It's so simple really. I don't think that will work for everyone but for me just knowing someone else cares makes me feel so much better. It has to be an unforced one, not a hug given to me out of guilt, but a genuine show of love. I hugged Lauren after she told me her story cause I cared. I am not sure she realized that is what the hug was for but that is what it was meant for. Otherwise she could have thought I was being a perv trying to cop a feel but honestly that thought hadn't popped into my mind until I jokingly thought of it now. I am feeling emotionally better, now I have to get my body there. I'm listening to the New 10,000 Maniacs, the one without Natalie Merchant. I really like them as well. They are a very different band from what they once were but I still like them. I like real Lilith Fair type music which I always thought was odd. I love female artists. In odd ways I can relate to their words even though it sometimes relates to their lives as women. Perhaps there is something to that personality test that classified me as a woman. Maybe my soul is nah, I think my testoterone messes up that theory.