Well today's my Birthday. My friend ditched me for a late night early birthday celebration for me. I wanted to go out with an old friend who I hadn't seen for almost a year. She told me she'd call me back and set something up. I ended up calling her and got her cel and left a message. She eventually called me back after I was waiting a couple of hours at 11:40. It would been not so bad if we went out like we discussed, but she didn't feel like going out since she was out already. You know at this point I don't want any friends for my birthday. I just want someone that will treat me halfway decent. Is it so hard to make people feel you appreciate their existance. I have given a lot of myself always and it is hard to swallow not getting the same consideration. I was thinking and I figured that I really look at my friendships differently from my friends (or so called, ahem,posers) I think when my mother passed away I really looked at people differently. With all the bad times that came after my mothers death I really realized that people and life is the most important. So when I deal with people I really care about, peope who are my friends I really let it show that I care. I go the extra mile, and I really care, it's just hard I guess when you really don't get the same response. This is first year though, I stopped planning everyone's birthday and getting people together to celebrate my friends birthday. I couldn't take it anymore that i did these things always and I couldn't get anyone once to put the effort to surprise me or just do something a fraction of what I did for them. I guess I shouldn't expect anything in return but I look at how I feel and I try to do these things cause I realize that is how you'd treat people you care about. I don't see anyone doing anything remotely like this for me and it only bothers me cause I wonder if anyone even cares. God I am making myself really sad and I told myself I was going to try to have a Happy Birthday. Well I decided today I will try to have some real good things. I am going to go to Collectors Maniacs and going to buy myself all these comics and graphic novels and make myself happy. I have been battling with perhaps buying a PS2, perhaps I will treat myself to a new Game system. I really shouldn't, I am going to have to charge it and will add to my debts. I have no idea what I am doing tonight. Normally my family does something since my birthday is the same day as my aunt. But because my family has a wedding to go to, my dinner and celebration if off. Stacy made me happy when she called me though, her birthday was a Dec. 26, so we always celebrate each others birthday. When we were together she was just as responsible for helping planning these parties for friends. Anyways she called me when she got back home and asked if I wanted to go out sometime to celebrate our b-days. She had to work tonight which I understand, she told me we'd go out tomorrow so I am looking forward to that. Zack is not back so it will be just the two of us, not sure where we're going to eat. It will be interesting to see how that turns out. I may talk a lot about her but I realize I just obsess about memories and I really have found that my feelings that I once had for her are gone. I guess I just hold onto all my ghost, and I hold them real close. I might go see a movie today as well, I will call one other friend who I think is free. Kristy, is nice and a good friend. She doesn't like to do anything but I know she might humor me on my birthday. She told me she was bored this week with no school. I'll check with her. I guess that is something I really miss about Stacy. Stacy aside from someone I was in love with, was also my hangout buddy. I really wish I had someone who'd like to go out with me. I honestly don't want someone to be my girlfriend or boyfriend, or whatever, I just want some good company. I really miss giving and being with worthwhile people. I wonder if I will get any nice or ANY gifts for my birthday, we'll see. I really shouldn't let any of these things get me down. I was doing ok being on my own and not needing anyone but after a while I realized I still have yearnings from time to time for human companionship, one can't be happy without people to share it with.I had a dream about Kari and old crush. I think that crush was based on cuteness and pheramones. She had the most sweet smell. As weird as it sounds, she was the best smelling girl ever, and it made me kind of excited. I don't go around smelling girls but it just hit me. That's what I love about girls, they smell so nice. That sounded so lame. Also in my dream was my dad. I dreampt that on top of what my dad already does, he had to get a job with Kari at this popular Icecream place. What made me feel so sad was I knew in my dream my dad had a a really strenous and tiring physical day before. And in my dream I saw him pushing himself more, I saw how tired he was and just by looking at him I knew how much his body ached and how tired he was. In my dream I realized he was spent but had no choice but to push on. That makes me the most sad today, the memory of that dream. I realize it was only a dream, but I really feel there was a strong hint of reality in there. The dream also said a lot about getting old. I really love my father. The years after my mom died were pretty rough. My father's lifestyle is so much different. My mother was a drug and alcohol filled, crazy daze. She taught me to be free and to be a little reckless, not let things get to you. My dad taught me meaning and taught me to be better and mean something. I really love him and it's funny whenever I think about loosing him I get all teary eyed. I can't help it but I get all emotional. It is a weird thing but most people don't know how much and how long I've lived thinking about death, love, and loss. I have been thinking about this seriously since I was 6. I don't want to see my dad grow old, I don't want to see him suffer. I don't want to see him die. THat dream shook me up kind of bad, it hit that feeling which I try not to feel always. I wondered if I was Bipolar, because I feel so happy sometimes and I block all this out and I feel really happy. I go to such an extreme. And there are others I am so sad and that really made me wonder. I don't feel i have a chemical imbalance. I have an intense personality that has just been influenced by a tough life. I have found I have had to answer a lot of questions to strangers about what happened to my mom. So that is why I bring it up more. It's got me thinking. Odd I think more about death on my birthday than life. THat is what I should be thinking of. Well I wonder how year 24 will turn out. 23 was a bit of a rough year. God I am hitting my mid 20's! AHH!!!