I saw that mysterious girl at the Language lab I was flirting with before. I told myself I wasn't really going to go after anyone and I'm not. Actually the last time I hesistated even flirting with Language lab girl cause there was someone else I had met who I thought would be someone who could be pretty special if the fates and if she liked me. Neither happened and I sort of saw it coming. It was me setting myself to getting swatted down by another girl. I think I did it on purpose, knowing I had no chance. It didn't let it allow it to hurt me that way but it sort of takes the whole romance out of it. It was best that it happened that way. I sort of don't know if I ruined a good possible friendship but I don't know I seem to not know if those exist anymore. I have kind of lost faith in friendship. Lately I have really been thinking about power, dominance, and it's role in life with men, women and with men. I have come to this realization that I am not like most guys but I think that is a good thing. I include myself in this, but guys have a real problem because, honestly we don't have any real power or control. Women don't necessarily either or most don't seem to want it but they have a better grasp of the game and how to play it. I think men's down fall is they play it one dimensional. My problem is I think too much and even things I can see I fall into the same traps. It sucks because I am a pretty strong emotionally and nice guy who in the end who'd benefit from not needing anyone. Heck most of us would. But I really don't know if I have been brainwashed into thinking I need someone or if I just really need someone. I think I have hit a real hard spot because I sort of have lost faith in friendship. I haven't had a really good friend who cared about me in a really long time. And worst I sort of question if I ever had one. I think I have been pushing everything far too hard and the worst part is being aware and seeing too much into things. It's not the best thing in the world to be to so intense and obsessed , and nobody wants you to dump on them all your problems. I always let people do that to me and I did it to win their friendships and to get to know them, perhaps not the best part of them. But I see that I have been wrong and the thing is I need to change. It's hard because a part of me really wants to help people I care for. Though I am not sure how selfless I can be and if I do for how long. My stepmother once asked me why do you try to be such a good guy and always come out looking like the good guy. And the truth is I do try but I don't feel I have gained anything or have been enlightened by taking the road less traveled. And I think I may be expecting something for taking the road less traveled and when I get nothing I am dissapointed. But it is my fault because part of doing that is not expecting anything in return and the truth though it hurts me to admit it is that I do hope I will be rewarded for doing what is right. But the world doesn't operate like that and I am starting to realize that. For all my analysis I would not see that. My father says I am very stubborn. ANd I have been causing myself such pain because I have been on this stupid "be good to others" and "selfless" and then good things will happen in return. And it is not working out and I am getting pretty burned and I only have myself to blame cause I shouldn't have had hopes and expectations. But it is very human to have these and I hate it sometimes that things seem so messed up. I want something and I know what it is but it just isn't there or else I'm not in the spot to get it. All i want is company, sex is a dissapointment. It seems like only I can please myself in that area and that is fine, but I just want a good friend. I have rarely come across a test where people take it in groups. Tests are always easier in a group. In life people always or mostly take tests alone to measure us and our ability. Is my search for love and companionship not in the plan not in the test perameters? Must I go through life alone to fully grasp what life is and to show who I am and what I am able to do? That is what I'm left with. I truly hate how I have to always think and wonder. It may be what sets me apart of makes me unique but i think it makes me a pain to be around and a drag. I think eventually I wear everyone around me out. I feel alone cause of it and I never feel content. I will always be looking over my shoulder waiting for the day that person just can't take it and want their space. I love to make people laugh but sooner or later my jokes aren't funny and no amount of feeling can help that. When I would think of death that is what I really think. Can I ever overcome this to keep someone from wanting to leave me. I wonder if I will always repel people and be too much. Perhaps now I should worry less about girlfriends and more about keeping my spirits up an focus more on why I want to live. Don't worry anyone reading this I am not going to commit suicide and I'm not thinking well thinking but not seriously planning. People know themselves and they know when they are losing it and I feel down and blue but I see it and am dealing with it. THat is why I like writing this cause you sometimes just have a thought and it is so much and for me I can share with anyone but the question is do you want to lay it all on a person. And seeing how I have no one to really lay anything on nor is anything so strong with me and another person that they even want all this. I talked once about the night my mom died. I was 6 and I really did think of dying that night. I was going to do something really stupid that would have gotten me killed. We lived in an apartment and we were on the end. I was going to jump up on the ledge and jump the small window ledge to get to the window and hope to break in through the window. Looking back had I tried I would be dead, no doubt. I wasn't thinking about just jumping over but I remember thinking if I did die it wouldn't be so bad. That says a lot to me now, I may not have really understood all that was going on but to think that at 6 makes me wonder if I have been lying to myself about being ok and have really moved on. Going to the late night play the other night I realize I have felt alone since that moment but recently I really don't want to be alone. I want to be like everyone else and have a security blanket. I 'm sure there are lots of people that feel this way. I'd be right there now if i could make it happen. In my shoes most people would it's just that they don't have to, cause they've already given in. I still have a chance and perhaps I can gather enough strength to stand up and not need anyone