I hate myself sometimes. I do things sometimes that are so conterproductive and destructive . Sometimes when there is something good I seem to scew it up. People around me are quite interesting as well cause they do it too, in their own ways. It's interesting to see people, to really see them. Sometimes when i'm in the company of people I judge and try to fix them up. Not in a bad way, mostly I try to imagine what is going on in their heads and what motiviations they may have. What I see sometimes is that most of us have brake downs and let our animal side take over. It is amazing how fake people are, it's amazing in what ways we are fake. Our secrets are interesting. I believe everyone has at least 1. I have one. I could reveal it here but what is the fun of having a secret unless you're willing to keep it.

I really messed up a possible attempt at asking a girl out today. I have never tried asking a complete stranger I just met out, and today I met someone I might like to ask. I've come to feel that I think far too much in these situations. I have very shaky confidence, I think it is because I have, up to this point had very bad luck with the ladies. I honestly think I could be a great boyfriend but just haven't met that person yet. I met a girl who I thought would be a great match but there just seemed to be far to many obstacles to overcome. I would try but in the end I don't think the other person would try. Or if they did it would be only something they'd try out only to find out they have to tell me they aren't interested. I thought about whether or not I could take more dissapointment. PLus I want honesty and with most people I like, they realize they don't want to hurt me and give me those reasons and dance around the subject, but in the end only end up hurting me more. I realize now more than ever that if I do find that person, I won't do anything to screw it up, all my distructive habits go out the door and I leave no secrets with that person. I have to trust them first, and that is the hard part for me. I also realize that in regards to sex, how much I could wait, if I just knew they would be there after the wait. It's corney but I could wait till marriage to engage in sex but I wouldn't if i didn't have too. Love seems so rare I would honestly do everything to protect it.

I just am down cause I'm not in a position to do it. I guess I really want to be in love and be loved. It's hard cause I can not say other than my father and stepmother that anyone has trully loved me. I lost my mother when I was young and it is amazing what kind of things it teaches you. I love my mother and she was hard to love. I think we share a lot of the same dispair however unlike her I won't destroy myself the way she did. I remember the things she did and how it affected me, I know it would affect my family just the same if i did the same. My mother had a drug problem. YOu couldn't imagine how great she was with people and how beautiful she was. She possessed great intelegence and No one would have guessed that all this would happen to her. My parents were divorced when I was 1. I lived with my mother. She ran a very racy bar now strip bar. I have memories of going into the bar in the daytime at age 5. Eating pretzels and peanuts, drinking coke with all the cherries I wanted. I remember playing ms. pacman with my mother. I don't remember going to school too much, probably cause I didn't have to. I remember spending a lot of time playing with her. I remember her allowing me to do anything I wanted. She let me wash the clothes and use the dryer, although I ruined some of her clothes. We lived in a apartment building, and I remember wandering at midnight and meeting a girl, this tomboy who I wandered the neighboorhood with. I had a thing for tomboys back then. Although I was still only 5. THen things got worse, she began OD ing on sleeping pills. THat was the worst because I actually thought she was dead the first time it happened and I was alone with her and knew not what to do. It's funny cause I'm asian but my childhood sounds pretty close to a child born into a trailor trash type upbringing. I remember at 4 being alone with my mom and grandmother both totally smashed and gone, with my grandmother puking asleep in the toilet. And me pretty much, the only coherent being, with no true understanding of things that were going on around me. I am always amazed at how aware of things I was but yet not really understanding the ramifications. I knew that my mom was dead the day she died. I was six and I knew. I had a feeling in the back of my head that something bad had happened. I will never forget that day. I can honestly say I truly understand what it means to feel haunted. It was very dramatic and it's funny because I am a drama major. i often wonder if I love drama so much because my life, so resembles it. I wonder if I am the cause of the drama in my life because I have been accompanied by it for so long and to not have it might feel as if something has been missing. Things in my life now has made me very reflective on things happening then. I think also cause my mom died soon after halloween which is coming up, and maybe that is why I am thinking about it more. When I see my stepmother now and my father, I truly see what love is supposed to be, and I more than ever want that, and am willing to make sacrafices for it. Well i will ask this other girl out, though I still think of this other girl. There are reasons I am staying away and none seem to do with the fact on how I feel about this person. Perhaps it more fear but I am not sure I can take their rejection or their inability to take the jump with me. I think that is what stopped me today from asking that other girl. I still wish to be with that other person. I honestly believe I am a good judge of character even with those I hardly know. I know this girl is something special, I have loved before and still have places for past loves but have moved on, but I know this one is special. I know this one will make me laugh and smile and I know It'd make me the happiest just to hear her laugh and my lame jokes. Part of me is cursed cause I'm a hopeless romantic.

Stacy my exroommate was not and she was one of my great loves. It put a strain on our relationships. I leave this entry more confused and probably leaving whomevers reading more confused or sick of hearing my rant about my lovesick nature. I feel better writing all this out though. Earlier I watched this movie Simone with Al Pacino. Definetly check it out if you get a chance. It had a very good comment not only about art but about its place in today world and how people affect what is art which is very heavy in todays entertainment industry but probably is the least artistic area since most of that really revolves around money. Keener is in this film as well and she was also in Being John Malcovic. It's funny because it too has a lot to do with the artist acting as sort of a puppet master who shapes our perceptions and fools us into believing what is not real is really real. If you ever get the chance check it out. Well I should end this long entry here.

bye