I've been watching so many movies lately as if that is all there is too life lately...and there are so many things i should be doing. I have like 200 hundred movies that i have that i need to watch...well i don't need to watch them, but i see all this and feel like i need to watch them since i seemingly went through all this trouble to get them. Tonight i watched Dot the I and Prozac Nation. I liked both movies. Not life shattering but definetly good to pass the time. I've seen so many movies in my life and I don't know if its the extensive library i can draw upon seeing, but movies have seemed so much more hollow as I watch them. Not all, but most. I've seen so many movies and I remember the sensation i used to get, but now it is like having too much of your favorite candy...things just aren't as sweet as before.

I used to want to live in the world of fiction...i remember watching the Wonder years and wanting to have my winnie cooper or have my adventures through the never ending story with Falcor. What amazes me most in life is that i know more than ever that these are all dreams i have been chasing, yet I am still chasing these fantasy ghosts...it is what drives me...there have been so many things I've wanted ever since i was a child. They weren't objects, but were more intangible things.

I've wanted a world of two since i was a child...i've dreamed of my dream girl and the fantastic life i'd always want with playful banter and passionate moments...as if the only meaning of existance was this...yet I look at my life and really look at how i've interacted in relationships...true i could say the right one just hasn't come yet, but sometimes think are all these dreams only good on paper or in this corridor in my heart.

I remember while going out with Viva, what I found most amazing was the fact I was having real feelings of wanting to marry someone...i can't get it out of my head...i knew i always dreamed of it, but it never seemed possible and when i finally got there, i was truly amazed..It was like something i believed in existing and yet also never believing would happen to me. It is like always dreaming about getting something but not really believing you'd ever get that wish in real life.

it bothers me that I still think about my ex...truth be told, my prospects in that area have been nil and I don't know if it is me or the situation i am in that provides no new frontier.

I honestly believe love is the worst thing for me in terms of achieving things in my life. I have bad self control in terms of priortizing other things when i am love.

I guess the in end i really am tired of watching movies...i want to star in my very own life. I need more than a professional life...Work is a means to an end...what i have always wanted is the stuff my dreams are made of.

But a quote from a the movie Sabrina comes to my mind..." Dream people are dangerous people...they have no flaws.." which is very true.

So I have to think...have i doomed myself to simply being dissapointed the rest of my life.