All I seem to do lately is work. I actually am getting some second wind though. I haven't' been overly into my diary the last few days and it got me down that apart of me felt that way. Sometimes I wish my thoughts on paper could respond to me but they can't and it's silly to want my thoughts to reply. Sometimes I wonder what affect writing all this down has.

There are ups and downs throughout the day. I had a disturbing dream. Well it wasn't disturbing more than it touched on feelings that I thought were gone.

My dream was about Viva, and in my dream, I allowed myself to still love her. I allowed myself to still love her the way I know I shouldn't and haven't all these months.

What sucks, is that in a dream, it's not real, but somehow the emotions in your dreams can somewhat affect you after you wake up. It's like feeling that love for her in that ethereal moment, left a mark in my waking life.

I see her at work and things have gotten better between us, in which I mean we don't mention our relationship and both feel something sad because we both care about each other type of thing. The worst thing about my breakups, it's all about still caring and having love but love that isn't meant to be together. The worst is I feel more distant from her and I really see that I could never allow myself back there, my heart is guarded. I will admit though a few times when she's seen me and hasn't seen me in a while, she gave me a hug and in that moment I couldn't help but feel something still there.

I really did let her go, there is no doubt and I don't show her any amount of sadness and I don't make her feel sad for me or what not, I go on as if I am normal, for the most part I am. I am going on with my life. It's weird though, when I am near her I can't help but feel it, and I have a feeling she feels it too in some way. God, why can't I have simple relationships and simple breakups. With me everything lingers and every corner is filled with emotional shadows. I guess that is what happens when you care.

Dreams really have a way of bringing issues you have no way of dealing with, up far to often.

All I know is that she is damaged, and I can't fix her and I can't illuminate things any more for her. I must let her lead down her own path and I can't try change things nor do I want to. My true love for her hopes that it all works out for her in the end, and I hope both our hearts mend well.

My diary is a record of that love. Hopefully my diary won't have to record too many loves found, and then lost, hopefully one day it will be found and nothing more.