Well Viva and I decided not to hang out anymore, well we haven't been anyways, but it more stated and decided. Why, because it affects her relationship with her current boyfriend who she doesn't want to hurt. And because we work with her sister who is the "motherfucking work busy body" and because anything we do as friends can be misconstrued by her as cheating. So yeah I kind of have some animosity towards her. She finally confronted me though last night about why I wasn't talking to her and avoiding her. She thinks I have a petty grudge against her. Perhaps it's petty but I think Jannelle is a dangerous person and at first I was very angry at her, at this point I don't hate her, I just want nothing to do with her. I don't want to open myself up to anymore pain.

There was friendhship or forms of it with Viva but not even that is present any longer, so I am not holding my breath. It's hard because I can't avoid her and not talk to her in my everyday life because I see her at work. At this point i have to act ok for her, I have to act as if I am ok, I have to act that everything is cool, I have to act that I am not hurt that I have to treat her as an acquaintance who is not my friend but just a work aquaintance.

Life really isn't fair, and it seems unfair sometimes especially for me. I found myself hating myself last night. I hate that I can't let go of my emotions. I hate that I let my feelings affect me so much. I don't always show it, but beneath the surface boils immense passion and obessive tendencies. I control it so no one ever is affected directly by it. I don't want to be a stalker or someone that has no concepts outside his or her obesssion. I am obessive but I am aware of things outside and do my best to keep it in. But it is doing some emotional wear on me.

I don't know why but I notice I often think of death when I am exhausted, that is why I never act on it anymore, because I know I have to wait to see how I feel the next day. I get so swept up with my feelings that sleep seems like the only thing that can qwell the intensity of my feelings. I seem to have a clearer perspective the next day.

Leaving will be good for me. Why does my life always seem better when I am leaving it? Why in my life am I better off leaving people I always cared about? Why have I had to leave behind all my friendship so that I would no longer be hurt by them? I take it back not all, a few exist but they are far away by their own choices.

It sometimes seems like my destiny whether I like it or not to be alone. I guess that is something I am struggling with right now.

I feel bad though complaining about this as if problems outside my life doesn't exist. I know there are people with situations a lot worse.

Ok i will stop because I think my obessive writing about this is stirring up my emotions.