Last night after my visit with Viva I wrote a love letter to Viva. She never read it but after talking with her I realize I don't want to go through the same actions I went through. I wrote a second letter to bring more closure. It was my last shot. I have more confidence now than before. I actually can take more and feel more prepared for rejection. I say that now and do believe it to be true. I will admit when she replaced me with Josh so quickly, I felt so defeated and had no confidence in me. I have emerged ready to take more hits and give a final push for the girl I love. Here is last night's letter:

Hey Viva,

I always feel like I have so much to tell you, and there is always so much more I want to know.

I always felt you and I had something, and it's still there for me. I asked for all that time apart and needed it because i was too close to it all. I spent the week mostly purging my memories. They were mostly happy ones that were the ones that were causing me the most pain.

The simple fact of it all was that I loved you with all of my heart (corney as that may sound). I really let myself love you. And I was happy. I got sort of broad sided by reality I guess, and I was ill prepared for it. On top of it things were somewhat bleak in my life at the time, none of which is your fault. I sort of lumped my whole life together and I basically fell apart those past weeks. Of course I did so in private, but I am more or less am in recovery from all that. The thing I came away with after last week, is I remembered how strong I've been in my life and I realize that all those things are still in me. I am doing what I can to be happy, much like you did when you and Brian broke up. Till this day I really don't think I understand you or what happened.

I think for the longest times I was trying to figure out if I did something or wasn't something you wanted or what... I was trying to figure out if I was projecting all these feelings to you orif it was too much and I was scaring you away. To be perfectly honest it seems whenver I'm around you I keep asking myself those same questions.

For the most part what I sort of get from what you tell me is that your feeling weren't the same as mine and that you never really wanted anything serious with me. I get that most of it was me projecting my feelings for you and you not having the heart to say to me, that you weren't in love with me.

When I kiss you though and when I hold you, my heart tells me so many different things and so sometimes I don't know what to believe.

I still question whether we can ever be friends and act like none of this has happened. I'm not saying friendship is impossible but it's all this other stuff.

If you ever wonder if I missed you these past weeks, I did miss you so much, more than I could ever tell you. You have no idea how much deep down I wished that you'd tell me you missed me the way I missed you. I wished you felt the same void that I felt without you. But sometimes wishes don't come true and that's apart of life.

Honestly if someone came up to me and asked what happened between us I don't know what I'd tell them. But for now I am stuck with the standard response of it just didn't work out. Or she didn't feel the same way.

Sometimes I wonder if you have feelings for me still and don't want me know cause you don't want to hurt me because of fear and uncertainty but then I come back in my mind with the great possiblity that you don't love me like that.

Today for the first time I really felt you didn't know what you wanted and on some level it left me just as stumped. All I can say is "This is me, take me or leave me."

I don't think anyone will ever love you the way I do, and that may be biased but I think you made a mistake not giving us a chance. At the same time I know that if you never loved me that being with me would be hard but my instincts always told me that we had a future, I just needed you to let me in and to trust me and give us time.

We did go rather fast in our relationship and I blame myself for that but I am a man of instinct and I live and die by them. You were and are worth the risk.

There really are so many reasons I love you. In my eyes you will always be beautiful. As I put it in my journal, you have a spunk and life and that makes you unique. You make me feel as alive as the manner which you project yourself. I loved holding you, it's one of those intangible things which I could never put a price tag or a label on, it was just something that felt so right. I love all the little hairs you left at my apartment, and the one's I'm still finding long after you moved on. I loved the fact that for the first time in my life, I felt comfortable and happy, really happy and that It seemed like it wasn't only one way. I loved having someone to share my days and nights with. I loved how whenever I'd ramble at night I'd always put you asleep with my thoughts. I loved that you were different from me and that I was pretty happy with that, I loved that it made things interesting and gave me more to see. I loved holding you, I know I already mentioned that but i really loved that and I miss that a lot. I loved holding your hand. I loved the fact that you so want to be one of the guys but you're so one of the girls and just can't see it. I love that you always answer the phone Wasabi and greet me in that manner as well. I loved holding you in the water, when we went to Waimanalo that one day. Of course I loved the way you smelled. I loved how you would always make my heart feel whenever I was around you. I loved that you were competitive with me and that you could beat me at Gran Turismo and I could beat you at Tekken and Monopoly and so many more , hehe =). I loved that when you read Batman, you really were interested in the love story between Batman and Catwoman, because on many levels that is what I love too.

Finally I loved the fact that in my heart, I wanted to marry you. Cause you were it.

All those things are so hard to walk away from and that is just on my side. I don't know though, what the future holds for us or our friendship. I wanted you. I wanted to be with Viva, she made me happy, and I always knew I'd love her and I felt I could make her happy too. The question has always been, does Viva think otherwise. Grant really doesn't have a clue and that's the honest truth.

I don't know what it is you're trying to tell me. I sense something wanting to come out. I think whatever it is will hurt me. I want to hear it though. If you are truly confused though, I can only offer you two choices. One: I will stick around and endure this journey with you no matter how painful, or Two I will let you go completly because I love you and I do want you to be happy with or without me. The thing is I think you could be happy with me, but that is something you have to find for yourself.

Sometimes I wish that you chose not to get into any relationships with me or anyone and just take some time for yourself. I mean that, being alone is not always bad, it gives you a chance to find yourself. Trust me on one thing, it's easier to love someone and know who you love when you know who you are and know what you want. Always be good to yourself and the rest will fall into place.

I love you, you are my beloved. If I could spend my entire life holding you I would, and I'd be happy, but that's me.

And this is tonights letter:

Wasabi...as the girl I love always says.

You know what parts of me sometimes regrets putting it all there, especially if in the end you never loved me that way. Here's the deal though. Believe it or not, I am feeling a lot stronger emotionally than ever, I will go as far as to say deep down I am ok if you don't love me. I am ok, why because I love.

I know I gave you everything in me, I did all that I could to show you what could be. You step away by your own choice, you take your own path as I do. I am not every other guy and I know I have something special to give you. Your regrets will be your own, and mine.

It something though, getting knocked down by love. I finally realize how strong I am , no love can ever destroy me, I am stronger than it. So say whatever you want, it won't bring me down. I am going to get better and I am going to do something and one day I will be happier, with or without you. You have made your choice and I guess a part of me is going to leave the door open for a while longer but be aware the door won't be open forever and I will move on COMPLETELY. I hadn't realized how much of my self esteem was lost these past weeks and stupid me just started to realize who I was again, and I realized it was you who lost the most, you may not ever realize it but you had my heart and to me, that is my most valuble possesion and it's worth something. I'm worth something.

I don't need other people to make me feel better about myself. That is why I can be alone. That was something I was discovering before we got involved and perhaps now finally I realize that it's ok to be alone. There isn't anything wrong with me and the love I have for you is a gift.

In my life, friends have come and gone. It's the mark we make in the moment that matters the most. Friends will get married, tired and trapped in their lives. One day you are left with only with yourself and if you're lucky that one other. My love for you is the strongest and I stake my life on that.

For some people, love takes time, but not for everyone. I am a man who knows, for the first time knows what he wants. I don't have to spell it out.

I don't know if any of this gets through or makes you feel worse or more confused. You have the power to deal with your confusion. You have power to be happy. If you are certain I am not for you than perhaps there is nothing more to say. I have decided I will let you go but not until you understand what you leave behind. That month we had, it can be more, you just have to work with me. Time is something we have a limited amount of. I can let go of past hurt. Whatever you decide, it won't hurt, and that is a promise I make not to you but to myself.

Do you really see yourself with Josh? How long will you love him? How much are you willing to bet on a relationship with him? If you were to lose one of us, which could you live with losing.

I respect whatever you decide. Be true to yourself and as always do whatever it is that makes you happy. I am my own person and have accepted the great likely hood you truly don't want ot be with me, but a part of me has hope that we were on the verge of something. This is my final call to you. We may continue as friends but it will be a pail shadow to what we could be. I won't wait for you. Once i move on, i will move on.

I say this not to be cruel but to give it my all to make a happy life for us both.

I LOVE YOU my Desert Rose

This is all I can do, but profess my love, and give her my heart once more and see if you will take it. People might think I am a fool, but I believe people give up far to easily on love when it is not returned. I may be used but I will keep on giving because that is what I do for those I love. It is my sacrifice for love.