This hasn't been the first or the last time my heart has been broken. This hasn't been the first time I have been alone.
Being alone again though seems harder than the first time. With all my loves, there is never any real resolution. The ones I love that supposedly love me, always love me enough not to want to hurt me but hurt me anyways without really realizing the extent of the pain they cause.
I have not talked to anyone in 2 days. I have exiled myself to an extent. I had a few opportunities to go out but aside from not wanting to spend any more money. I think I needed some time to think.
Actually Viva called me a few times. I seem to be handling the letting go of her part better.
I am not so hurt that I am on the verge of loosing my sanity. I felt I was so close to having the love and the relationship I always sought. I had it for almost a month, before things suddenly changed. I look at the overall situation and I find that I want to move on and find another person. I want to find someone it will work with.
I sometimes look at Viva and wonder how much of her difficulty of letting go was due to any feelings she had for me, or just the fact that I was a great friend to her and as always the line, "she doesn't want to hurt me."
I think in life we all need to realize we hurt each other. I think though we really need to focus less on the not hurting and simply focusing and acting on the path that will cause the least amount of pain. Pain is inevitable, so do what you can to make it as painless as possible.
The sweetness of the music is slowly returning to me in my time alone. I listen to some songs and I feel like I am falling into the abyss of the song. I feel my wings again as I swim in the songs. I feel again.
My vivid dreaming has slowly returned.
The only pain that remains, Viva said something that totally made me feel like crap. She was being moody at the time but she said my humor turns her off. It sort of struck a cord because apart of me is my humor and in all honestly I am not always cracking jokes but I do it and I don't think it's that bad. There was a situation I forgot how but she brought attentions to her brest almost coming out. I joked that maybe they had a mind of their own and in a voice i said "Liberation." She told me that word really upset her and she didn't think it was funny even though the conversation was lite. I told her I was just playing around.
Ok this is what I realize, joking is not always good, one should temper good taste and timing but I can't be with someone who can never laugh at things like that, it's all apart of life. I have decided as well that a woman who I can't tell about my sexuality and won't accept me is someone I don't want to be with. The reason I want to share this info is because I really don't want to have that one thing I have to hide. There will always be something I have to hide and If I love them I don't want to hide at all. I want to share it with them and I want to know they are not only understanding but informed enough to accept things that aren't like them. I know if they can accept that than I know I can be honest about other things in the future. I am all about honesty and talking it out.
I did though feel that connection despite her shortcomings in what I discussed above. Perhaps we will never get all that wrapped in a package in one person.
We'll see how this supposed transition from relationship to simple friendship works out.
I was watching "Hook" last night and I swear I almost always feel like breaking down and crying in those cheesy father-son moments. I almost cried but since I have seen that movie so many times in the past I sort of am all cried out. My favorite line from that movie is when Peter pan says something like " I remember you being a lot bigger." Hook then retorts, " To a 12 year old I'm huge." I always had this spot for that movie. I was watching this VH1 special on canceled TV Shows. I saw clips of Alf which I haven't seen in like forever. I was in stitches just from the clips. I wish I could get ahold of some alf episodes. I loved that show, it really reminded me of how funny that show was.