Viva has effectively crumbled any faith I had in love and has managed to erode my will to live.

Generally my life has felt like this gradual downward spiral. I keep falling into more of lifes traps.

Where do I begin really...

I won't be going to school next semester. Well let's see why: I have no money. I can't get any aid or loans because I have exceeded the number of semesters to qualify to top it off I had bad grades last semester and the semester before so I am doubly blessed of no chance back.

Wait it get's better. My library job is an on campus job and since I won't be going back to school I can't work there. So I need to look for more work. I inquired at the other place I'm working for Full time of course I get turned down and told that they'd get back to me. So I am looking for a new job.

Then the wave that was Viva sort of made me financially irresponsible taking her out to 90 dollar dinners and buying her flowers or just regular lunch and dinners and her early breakdown that required me talking to her on my cel phone working my bill up to 190 dollars. Plus the fact I have been blessed with the parking ticket fairy and got 2 tickets that cost me another $100.00.

Oh wait, the party never stops on my so called life. So I am so broke, I can't go to school, what's worst than that???

I get involved with Viva who completely shows me what I have been missing in my life. We are so happy and I go over the top to be better than I am for her. She even reveals to me Monday night that she has thought about marrying me oneday. I felt the same way. She then tells me the truth about her and this other guy Josh. She tells me they've kissed. I am not mad but definetly hurt. I tell her I want to be with her and we decide to not make any rash choices. The next morning she calls me honey on accident, she is greatly bothered by this. I tell her I think perhaps she might be telling herself something. I have to go on an errand I tell her I will be back to take her home. She leaves early before I get there. She calls me and tells me she walked home. I talk to her briefly, while on her break at work. I ask her if she want to hang out after. At first she says yes than it changes to she has plan with Josh.

I am deeply cut by this. So I call her later. I know she is with him but I decinde with finality that it is over as a relationship. I keep my heart open to being friends. So I call her. She screens her calls on her cell phone and my number reads on her cell phone so she knows it's me. She doesn't call me. I call a few more times throughout the night. I tell her I need to talk to her. I tell her that I have some real important things I need to talk to her about and if she could spare a few minutes that it means a lot to me that she picks up or calls me back. She doesn't call me. I call her this morning. She still doesn't pick up. I call this afternoon and she still won't call me. I begin to worry because she told me she thought her Lupus was flaring back up on Monday and I worried something might have happened. I start calling again asking her to at least call me back and tell me to stop calling and let me know she is ok. She still won't call me. I need for my own peace of mind to just know she's still ok and nothing has happened to her. I remember her telling me her mom works in this specific place and so I decide to try to find her mom. I just call her and ask if her daughter was ok. She said she saw her this morning, so I know at least she is living and breathing and not in some hospital.

Our relationship is over and in my heart so is our friendship. She has cut so deep into a wound that hasn't healed with my past relationships with my ex roomie.

Top off I still don't have any good friends or anyone to talk to. I have my diary and me and thats about it.

I have been thinking about death more and this time I scare myself because though it's always been this foreboding thought in my life, it's really starting to look attractive.

THe icing on the cake was this woman who has been calling me that I won something and she would get back to me since she got my voicemail. Well she called today telling me I won $100.00 gift certificate to this resturant. Well I won until she asked a few confirmations questions. One of it was regarding how much I made. Apparently one of the rules is that I make more than $40,000 a year. So life, the cruel joke that it is gave me a shimmer of good fortune and yanked it from under me, just like everything else.

I want to drown into sleep. I hate myself for not being able to brush this all off, I wish I could give myself some good advice that make me feel better.

Anyone who worries I will do it, I'm not going to. I don't feel like living but there is a difference for me from loosing my will to live to actually just deciding to just call it quits. I won't be announcing it like this if I ever did do it. It's simply how It is for me.