I am incredibly depressed right now. Tonight is one of those nights I truly wish I didn't exist and the nights I know I have to sleep off. For tomorrow is a new day and I can only hope brings a new renewed sense of life.

I get really depressed when I see my family, more so now than ever before. I am still new to my stepmothers family. I don't know why, but when I am around them I feel alone. I truly feel outside looking in.

I prefer not to see them because those seem to be the times I don't get overly depressed. My father doesn't talk to me. I think he is incredibly frustrated with me. I know he loves me but things just don't seem to run smoothly between us.

I see my little neices and nephews and they were just toddlers and still are but they really do grow up so fast. I often watch them, trying to figure out what's going on in their little minds.

I went to my uncles house where easter dinner was being held. My family wanted me to drive me car since I could probably get it to start. On my way there, my Cd player phased in and out of operation. I turned it off along with my lights as well. I made it. I wasn't able to restart my car though. I got i jumped and drove it back home. It is now at home and won't start again.

My uncles house is across the street from the cemetary where my mother is buried. I feel guilty as well for not visting more. I didn't go, even though I was so close. I hate going to see her alone. I really don't know what to say when I am there. The last time I went and looked upon my moms plaque on the grave, I really noticed the wear, from the weather and time. There are cracks in the marble and there is a little sphere with a picture of her. The glass is cracked and I notice the time that has passed, I feel the decay of my memories and my feelings, and of my self.

A few people I know have experienced a loss of a parent. I often want to help and reach out to them, I don't know if there pain will ever be the same as my own, but knowing my pain, I do want to give the person a hug, it's often what my heart aches for. It is so simple.

I was watching a special on a person whose life story I saw some time ago. His name is Charlie Wedemeyer. I am not sure if everyone knows who he is. He has lue garrets diseases (sp?). The thing that really does touch me about his story are a few things. I realize he has suffered far more than I have and may ever suffer. But this guy doesn't give up, he doesn't seem to let it affect his will to live. The other amazing thing is he and his wife. It is apparent to me that they are each others driving force. I started to wonder, without his wife, would he be the same?

I could never say for sure but I don't think he'd be the same person without her. I know love won't solve my problems but support will help. I think this have been really hard because I honestly have no one I can seek for comfort and strength. As a child when my mother died I sought a great deal of strength from my father. We no longer have that relationship and I no longer can draw strength from him. I at one time had friends I believed in, they are no longer there. So now, I am truly with no where but my own thoughts. I am left with this journal and the thoughts that circle my heart.

I did decide after being reminded of the Wedemeyer struggle that I wouldn't give up, and that I do the best I could on my own.

I had a long day at work as well today. There were so many people today asking for Easter Baskets, plastics eggs, egg dye, and all other things easter. Why do these people all wait till Easter. It's like those people who buy Christmas presents on Christmas day. Kind of last minute, don't you think. Plus I found out I don't get any easter holiday pay since it isn't really a holiday.

I wish I had someone who I could call and talk to, it's so sad. Yeah there are tons of numbers I could call, but all belong to people I have estranged myself from.

Don't feel sad for me, I just needed to express this feeling somehow. I decided too that if I ever die for whatever reason, if there are ever people who really want to know me, what I was thinking... it's here on these pages. (note: this isn't a suicide note, just meaning if I die in some freak accident, like a car accident, knowing my luck I'll die with my car, or a brain annurism, or whatever, this is what I leave behind. This is what I felt now or then, or whenever you read this.